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Irreparably Broken

Irreparably Broken

I swim in the waters of my trial
your promises buoy me
I feel peace descend
A canopy over me
I will be all right

But clear waters turn swiftly to rolling white caps,
crashing on the sandy shore
from underneath, I feel the pull, the undertow of sorrow
pulling me, threatening me, holding me under the surface,
to drown me

I struggle to stay afloat,
reaching in my prayers for the arms of my Father, wanting You to take me from these waters
snatch me out, take me with You.
“Take me!” I cry. I want to be with You–completely with you

My tears are little comfort, my soul is bruised,
my confidence shattered,
I am broken.
I will never be the same.

You don’t correct me.
It is so. Irreparably broken.

Copyright 2016

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Fragrance

I met You daily
for me
to survive
for comfort
for healing
for strength
to push back the darkness

I never imagined
the fragrance you were leaving behind in me
over the years
weaving it into the very fibers of my soul
the essence of my being
the pungent perfume
the amazing aroma of the Beautiful One

I was desperate for You
my eyes consumed by my troubles
For many years
I couldn’t lift my head to look ahead
I couldn’t see beyond
prevailing problems
current chaos
daily demands

I didn’t worry if you were leaving Your fragrance with me
on me
in me
I didn’t know or care

But You, Adonai T’zva’ot,
You did
You knew it would help others
You knew it would waft over my sweet child
You knew I’d want this fragrance
long for this fragrance
one day
You knew

So You did for me what I couldn’t do for myself
You made this broken pot a useful vessel
in Your house
the Master’s house

In time
Your time
fullness of time
perfectly timed
You began the squeeze
pressure increased
pressure mounted

You were close, but no relief
more and more force applied
to my soul
to my being
enemies all around
enemies within
walls entombing me

blistering betrayal
brutal battles
boundless sorrows
rivers of tears
I was in a vice
You were tightening screws
increasing pressure
crushing, crushing, crushing

I thought I might die
I wished I might die
I wished and wished for the crushing to end

As You crushed me in that contraption called the human condition,
that mechanism for spiritual growth known as “that which is common to man”
something happened
something I never expected

At first, just a hint of fragrance was released
a brisk walk at dusk past the night-blooming Jasmine

then a wispy cloud floating around me
a bouquet of fresh-cut roses in the center of the kitchen table

still You weren’t finished
til the unrelenting crushing brought forth the full aroma
the blast of permeating fragrance

prostrate in fields of lavender
resting on the fresh buds
my pores seeping with fragrance
the fragrance of Yeshua
the fragrance of the Christ
the fragrance of hope

You are the sower
You are the living water
You are the vine dresser
You are Elohim
Creator of the very dirt and herb of the field

and You are the perfumer
bringing forth the finest scents
from Your flowers
crushing me
crushing us
that Your fragrance might remain

Copyright 2018

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Pink Roses

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Floating upward

Floating Upward

I’m a hot air balloon.
Ropes tied to stakes
restrain me
keep me near the ground.

I long for release

Cut the ropes, O God
that tether me to this place.
Set me free
–I long to float upward
to Your waiting arms.

 

Copyright MaryBeth Mullin 2018

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Armor

Armor

I got my armor today
belt
breastplate
spike shoes
shield
helmet
sword
all so shiny
so fancy

It’s all a little heady
I twirl around
holding my shield in one hand
waving my sword about with the other

Thank You, my King
for my commission in Your army
but am I combat-ready?

I’ve been dragging my armor around
some pieces on
some pieces hanging off
nothings as shiny

I forgot my helmet
and spent days trying to remember
who I was
whose I was

When I grew tired of carrying that big shield
I spent the day pinned down behind a rock
as flaming arrows of accusation
whizzed by my ears
and singed my hair

just before darkness fell
the King rode up
plucked me from my hiding place
seated me on His steed
no one mentioned my missing shield
or burn holes in my tunic

“My child, be wise.”
He said softly as he let me down
my cheeks grew warm

the most humiliating blow came today
I slid down a slippery slope
landed on my backside
insufficient spikes in my shoes

I’m waiting now to meet with the King
I’m sure He’s upset
I’m a failure
but if I can’t be a soldier for the King,
who would I be?

my thoughts drift to the King
brave in battle, strong, majestic
sometimes terrifying
to His enemies

Then I remember
He is a tender Father
loving husband
kind Master
soft-hearted lover of children
a lamb

as I remember
a great wind blows open the shutters
sunlight bathes the great hall

“Abba! Abba!”
I run to Him
“I’m so sorry.”
tears soak my cheeks
“Can you forgive me?”

“My child,”
He calls me by my special name
the name He gave me

I sit with Him in His big chair
He gently holds my face to His
I breathe in His familiar scent
resting in His embrace
I exchange my tears of failure
for His unconditional, never-failing love

I awoke
covered by my favorite blanket
the sun far spent

He never spoke to me of my failures
rather He met me
in the early morning
patiently teaching me of the armor
about the enemy
how each piece was designed
how each piece could protect

He helped me strengthen my arms
to carry the shield of faith
He taught me how to add spikes to my shoes
to hold my ground
He helped me wield my sword
with strength and accuracy
I became a great warrior

I will never forget how ineffective
I was
I am
without armor

nor shall I forget the weapons
are for standing
the battle is His

He is my Protector
my Fortress
my High Tower
my Stronghold
my Deliverer

Blessed be the name of the King of Kings
Commander of the angel armies
Champion of the sons and daughters of God

Copyright 2018 MaryBeth Mullin

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The Pirate Ship

The Pirate Ship

Because I’m still me
frailties plague me
pride lifts me
self-reliance walks me out the plank
of this pirate ship
a ship taken by mutiny
a ship of which I made myself master
a rebellious ship
on its own mission
of larceny and murder
stealing from and murdering hope in God

chaos reigns on deck
I fear the worst
I always fear the worst
all is lost
all the years of traveling and scheming
planning and dreaming
of a place
of a love
of a peace

I contemplate my end
each step out
further from safety
closer to the edge
my toes grasp the edge of this plank
through warped pieces of wood
something catches the light of the setting sun
dull, metallic
thick links hang from the side of the ship
the other end hidden
buried in blackness

but I don’t need to see its two hook-like arms to know
my Anchor has dropped
my Anchor of hope
my mooring in the storm

suddenly jolted
my footing temporarily lost
the Anchor hits bottom
this pirate ship full stop
the true Captain emerges from below

I see the question in His eyes
I make my way off the plank
I study my toes

Facing Him
I raise my arms in salute
I raise my arms in surrender
meeting His eyes
those eyes
gentle eyes
of understanding
of forgiveness
of mercy
of restoration

“O Captain, my Captain”
disregarding my feeble salute
He pulls me to Himself
“My child, be still. All is well.”

MaryBeth Mullin
Copyright 2018

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Your Word

I read Your Word
a love letter
the sweet aroma of my Beloved
speaking of Your love for me
Your plans for me
Your desires for my good
the sure hope of our future together

soft pillowy clouds of promise
billow
flutter
settle
in a luscious feather bed
inviting me
embracing me
enveloping me
buoying me
securing me
I lay my head on a soft pillow of Your promises
I press my face to meet its coolness
wisps of lavender are released

I find rest

 

 

Copyright 2018 MaryBeth Mullin

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LOVE

Love

When I was young, I learned of love
I knew it as a feeling, an overwhelming rush
a flush, a warmth that spread over me
until it ebbed
it always ebbed

When I was older, I learned of love
I knew it as a decision
I knew it as a choice
a rugged mountain to be climbed
a rough sea to be navigated
a treacherous road covered in black ice
until it left
until he left
then love was just an empty hole
then love just hurt

when I had loved and lost
when all I had I poured out to the last
when my efforts came to nought
when I was empty and alone
my heart pulled out
left to wither
as I withered
as I let go of my dead love
as I learned to leave my dead love

I learned of another love
the Lover of my soul
He’d made it possible for me to love
gave me feelings of love
taught me to choose love
girded me to climb the mountain
emboldened me to navigate the sea
held me to the treacherous road
loved me

and in the loving
I saw
love is not merely a feeling
to be loved is to know security,
to be loved is to exude beauty
to be loved is to know love in return

and in the loving
I saw
love is not merely a choice
to love is to never quit
to love is to never leave
to love is to always hope
to love is to sacrifice
unto death
my death
my beloved’s

but the death of my beloved’s love
was the doorway to a greater love
The Lover of my Soul stood
beckoning me
speaking words of love to me

as I responded
as I walked across the threshold
I fell into the ocean
His thoughts for me
His plans for me

His love is as He is
unending
unselfish
unfailing
unfathomable
under me like wings
His love lifted me
out of my puddle of tears
to the heights of His glory

I and He forever
My Savior
My King
My Friend
My Lord
My love

I shall
as He did
give my life
to prove my love

 

Copyright 2018 Mary Beth Mullin

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